my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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