did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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