So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
