You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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