Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
