I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
