i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
