If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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