wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
