3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Less talking, more tequila
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
