I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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