Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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