God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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