Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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