can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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