i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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