Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
