My sheets look like a crime scene.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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