I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize