drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
