If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
