you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
