I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
