Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
