So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
