i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize