It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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