You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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