She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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