Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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