Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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