if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
