My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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