U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
A bitchslap is in order.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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