I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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