Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Drunk is a universal language darling
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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