I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize