I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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