I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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