On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dignity is for republicans.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
