Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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