Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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