Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
These tits shall not be calmed
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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