I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
