Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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