I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm really busy with my period
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