Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
