I will die if light touches me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
