The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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