Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
