Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
