I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
