3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
