The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
