My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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