I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
