So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
